Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
