So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All the doctor said was why
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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