There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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