I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Everyone says I win the strip club
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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