And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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