Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Ladies don't puke and tell
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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