The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
