I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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