I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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