im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
