i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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