whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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