someone threw a dead crab at me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
