The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
