I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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