I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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