dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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