tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
