Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
