Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
