My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
