I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
