I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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