He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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