just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
