How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
