Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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