I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
