so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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