What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
