I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
