Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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