He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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