non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
