i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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