I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
