I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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