If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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