Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
