@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
