Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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