i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
