Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
