I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
