there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
