My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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