woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize