if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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