Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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