Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
