Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
