I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
