god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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