Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
