i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
