why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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