a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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