I can tuck mytits in my pants
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
